Wednesday, April 28, 2010

George Costanza & Texting while Driving laws...

In a classic episode of Seinfeld, George and Kramer come out of a store with a bottle of wine to discover that they have been blocked in by a double-parker. Irate, George explains to Kramer how incredibly stupid and selfish double-parkers are and that if he ran for president he would insist on "the death penalty for double-parking."

George Costanza for President!!

Today, on the way to work - just like every other day the past couple of years - I found myself almost killed by another Florida lunatic who was texting while driving. I cannot begin to tell you how much I want these people tried, on the side of the road by roving juries, and executed, on the side of the road, by roving execution squads.

Imagine the jobs we could create for the funeral home industry by eliminating these menaces to society! Imagine how we could reduce global warming by getting their cars off the road! Imagine the impact on used-car prices as the families of these idiots have to sell their cars.

The Florida Senate voted 34-4 yesterday to ban texting while driving. The bill would make texting a "secondary violation" - meaning you would have to first be pulled over for doing something else. The first offense would carry a fine of $30 plus court costs. Second offense would be $60. If a driver crashed into me or some other innocent person, six points would be assessed against their drivers license.

The Florida House is NOT expected to to go along with this measure. According to one idiot politician, "There are a lot of things that people do in their cars that are very distracting, and all of them need to be addressed. And it needs to be addressed from a different perspective."

Grow a backbone for Gods sake! Texting leads to six times more dangerous driving conditions than being drunk!

A $30 fine is not going to stop anything when the probablity of getting stopped is so low.

Therefore, until George is elected President I may just take matters in my own hands and pull over texters, have them roll down their window and then beat them with their own phones. (For you internet-police, I am only, like, you-know, sort of, really kidding...)

You texters-while operating 2,000 lbs. of machinery at 70mph are evil and/or stupid and/or selfish.

Turn off your phone and drive so the rest of us can see our families again...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

John Paul Stevens and your Home

A few days ago, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens wrote to President Obama informing him of his decision to retire from the bench this summer.

Owners of private property all over the United States would have benefited greatly if he would have made this announcement in 2005.

It was in that year that he wrote the majority opinion in one of the most dreadful Supreme Court decisions in the history of our republic.

In the Kelo v. New London, CT decision (liberty lovers need not be reminded of what this case was all about...) Mr. Stevens found that "[p]romoting economic development is a traditional and long accepted function of government. As with excercises in urban planning and development, the city is trying to coordinate a variety of commerical, residential and recreational land uses, with the hope that they will form a whole greater than the sum of its parts. Because that plan unquestionably serves a public purpose, the takings challenged here satisfy the 5th amendment."

To Stevens - and the rest of the Constitutional revisionists of the liberal wing of the Supreme Court, our home is nothing more than a "part" of a "whole" and government knows better than we do what to do with that part.

Good riddance, Mr. Stevens. May you enjoy your retirement in your home - that has not been targeted for an eminent domain taking.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Come on, Mr. President...Throw like a man!

In case you missed it, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the home opener for the Washington Nationals this season. What a shame. Most baseball fans have been debating whether or not he should have worn a Chicago White Sox hat while on the mound. Real baseball fans - and real men - are discussing his form in throwing out the first pitch.

YouTube it for yourself....

With apologies to women everywhere, our President throws like a girl.

This is not good.

You need the President of the United States to show the world that he is a real leader. Throwing a lollipop ball with a limp wrist does not inspire confidence.

I would suggest that Mr. Obama go out and do any of the following to prove to our nation that his manhood is not to be questioned:

1. Cut down a tree with a chainsaw that he has to start by himself. Then, take an axe and split a few of the logs.

2. Grill out a steak while wearing an old pair of jeans and a ragged t-shirt and eat it (the steak)while having a real beer (not the light beer he prefers).

3. Don't shave for a week and appear at a press conference in hiking boots.

4. Take part in a tackle football game on the white house lawn and break at least one bone in an opponents' body.

5. Be seen reading a book on how to skin a moose with a Bowie Knife.

6. Be seen hunting moose.

7. Tell the next reporter who asks him a question he does not like that, "If you don't shut up I am going to hit you so hard you will wear out from bouncing."

8. Be seen picking his teeth with a twig.

9. Send an open letter to Osama bin Laden challenging him to a fist fight.

10. Take pitching lessons.
What would you add to my list?