Sunday, April 1, 2012

All along, I was wrong...

My dad once told me, "Don't think, every time you do, you weaken the nation." 

I think my dad was right.

I have come to realize that many of the ideas that I have held dear to my Libertarian, free market Hayek-loving heart are simply.........wrong.

I have come to realize that raising taxes is not always a bad thing.  In fact, Matt Damon and Warren Buffett are right.  They don't need the money, so why not put it towards things like hunger programs and global warming initiatives?  I am sure rap artists, bench-warming millionaire athletes, the Google guys, billionaire social-media businessmen, lottery winners and a whole bunch of other people don't need all that money either - especially when we have an underemployment rate near 20%.  Putting the money into retraining for those who are structurally unemployed or into hiring more teachers and police officers would be, I am not convinced, marginally better than letting Brad Pitt have another mansion.

I also think the drug war should be fought with greater vigor.  It is morally wrong to subject other people to the disgusting things people put in their bodies.  Who wants to see junkies in the street or our backyards or in the dumpters of our favorite restaurants?  This goes for gambling, prostitution and country and western music too.  I say ban all of these things that make us poorer, degraded or dumber.

Speaking of dumber...we need to ignore the calls of people like me who have argued for the abolishment of government education and instead create smaller class sizes and enhanced funding for public education.  I have been told by teachers that if they made even a tenth of what athletes make our schools would be the best in the world.  Hey, money buys quality so lets do that and watch our kids come to my classes ready to get to work.

Speaking of my classes, I have decided that the students who fail or drop my class (a lot of people) are probably right.  I require too much work, too much reading, too much thinking, tests that are too long, too hard, the wrong color paper and I am sarcastic, rude, too critical of politicians and too steeped in the traditions of free market economics.  From now on I pledge to not let anyone fail, since if they fail it is because I failed them.  When you take my class all you will have to do is show up for most of my lectures, look like you care a little, try your best and you will get at least a C.  After all, the customer is always right.

I also pledge to stop calling Republicans moral statists.  I pledge to stop calling Democrats well meaning, accidental evil socialists.  I pledge to smile more when I am lecturing on John Maynard Keynes, Obamacare, the spending record of George W. Bush, the spending record of Barack Obama, eminent domain, property taxes, Alexander Hamilton and the fairness of income redistribution.

I feel much better.  I can now enjoy the rest of April Fool's Day with a relaxed heart and mind.


  1. This stuff is going to get quoted out of context on April 2!

  2. I am used to be quoted out of context so it is o.k....

  3. ...and I pledge to be more tolerant of the extremists views espoused by the political left and right.

  4. I was waiting for the punch line since I read the first line

  5. Professor Chambless, what are your thoughts on Gary Johnson? For anyone who has not heard of him:

    I think I might end up voting after all if he gets the nomination for the Libertarian Party.