Thursday, September 1, 2011
Why I should be Commissioner of the NFL
Finally, thankfully, the NFL season is upon us. After seven long months of golf, NASCAR, the NBA, the endless baseball season, tennis, debt ceiling debates and Casey Anthony, we can finally return, as Americans, to a sense of normalcy as we turn the page to that glorious month called September.
That said, I am increasingly displeased with the National Football League and the way it is run. As an old-school football fan there is much to complain about when examining todays game. Thus, I would like to offer up what I would do if the NFL owners decided to make me the next commissioner of the NFL.
1. Haircuts. Today's game looks like girls running around in shoulder pads. I would go to every training camp in July with a ruler and a pair of scissors. All hair 2" below the bottom of your helmet would be cut off. The removed hair would be bagged up, tagged and sold on eBay to raise money for what comes next....
2. Pink in October. Instead of letting the players look even more like girls by wearing pink during Breast Cancer Awareness Month I would take the proceeds from the haircut auction (Tom Brady's hair alone should raise enough money to cure breast cancer...) and put it towards this worthy goal. However, any player caught wearing pink in October would be fined and forced to watch 100 straight hours of Julia Roberts movies.
3. Cheerleaders. NONE, ZERO, ZIP. Football has no place for strippers on the sidelines. Only a handful of teams in the NFL (Steelers and Bears for example) do not allow cheerleaders to parade around. Under my rule there would be zero cheerleaders ever again so that we can maintain the integrity of the game.
4. Fan behavior. I no longer go to NFL games because getting beaten, shot at or cursed like I am a dog is something I am fond of. Some fans (Oakland, Miami) are the worst. Going to a Dolphins game is like sitting with 70,000 convicts who are on leave for the weekend - and that is being unfair to convicts. I have seen grandmothers drop the 'F'-bomb on their grandsons during games. My policy would be simple. All stadiums would have mixed martial arts fighters, bouncers, NAVY SEALS (retired) and assorted folks who are good with their fists and/or guns and/or bricks to patrol the stands looking and listening for drunks, bad language or pending physical confrontations. My security staff would beat senseless all fans who are suspected of any transgression that could not have been shown on a 1950s television program.
5. Kickoffs. The NFL has moved kickoffs to the 35-yard line to reduce the number of violent collisions and thus injuries by encouraging "touchbacks". Sissy stuff! The kickoff should be moved back the the 20-yard line with legal wedges like the old days.
6. Speaking of the old days. No longer would quarterbacks be given invisible dresses to wear. They are men, treat them like it. It would be legal to smash them - and other offensive players - like the 1970s. Helmet to helmet contact? Yes, that is called football.
7. Commercials. This is a game kids should be allowed to watch without commercials depicting murder, rape, robbery or porn.
8. Celebrations. Any endzone celebration would mean the loss of the touchdown and a 20 yard penalty. Any moron who dances around or beats his chest for "doing his job!!" by making a tackle or gaining seven yards on a slant pass would be penalized 20 yards and would be required to do pushups with John Madden standing on his back during halftime.
9. Uniforms. Knee pads must cover the knees. Pants cannot fit to make it appear you are nude. No players can wear gloves (use your hands, you sissy...) and helmets would have facemasks with one bar made out of balsa wood.
10. Super Bowl Sunday - back to the last Sunday in January, during the day with no halftime show other than the local high school band.
That is all. Enjoy the season.